Stress...

I am not one to usually sit back and let things happen to me especially if I can control how the situation is affecting me.  As I have gotten older I have noticed that I tend to do more for others then myself.  I am not trying to pat myself on the back or anything it just seems to me that the more I try to help and be a great friend, the true friends have made themselves more apparent.  Those who aren't true friends show their true colors and try and walk all over me. 

I am getting to the point where I need to make hard choices about my friendships and how I let people treat me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am very outspoken and that I am blunt.  Lately I have been more reserved and I think it because of the meds I am on, plus wanting to try and salvage any relationship I have.  I am not being delusional to think that everyone will like me and not have bad feelings towards me.  I am just done being a stepping stone and door mat to those who want to use me.

I have a few of the greatest friends that I cherish and with them the relationships are 100% from both of us.  If I need them they are there, unless family needs them.  When trying to make a friendship worth it I look at the dynamics of how our relationship is working and in a current situation it just isn't there.  I know I put myself in this situation but I was giving them the benefit of the doubt. 

It is hard for me to let a friend go but in the end it may just be worth it to walk away with some dignity intact.  When someone makes you feel like the bad guy when all you have tried to do is help and they haven't complained until you absolutely need them, something is wrong.   In the end I have to think about what is most important in life.  Christ told us to turn the other cheek but there is a point where we have to just let situations out of our hands go and move on. 

I hate doing this, I feel like I am being horrible but it has gone too far to be saved.  I just wish that it could be done and over with.  I want to have a great feeling in my home again.  I want to not have to stress about what is going on at my house while I am gone and who is there.  I want the spirit of the Lord there and it hasn't been for a while.  So much contention is just making my depression worse.  Maybe one day I will be able to get my point across but as for now I need to just give up and move on for my sanity and the sake of my family.